Friendship
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: After the Lamia's attack Merlin has a hard time seeing past the men she created.


I've been bouncing ideas for Merlin about my head for awhile and one finally stuck. It's my first fic in the fandom so go easy on me while I try to figure it all out please!

Warnings: None.

If you want to be kept up to date with any upcoming stories or want to ask me to write a story for you please follow me on Facebook or on Tumblr under SilverMidnight52! I own nothing.

* * *

Letting out a soft grunt Merlin lifted the bags off the ground and placed them on his horse. He had already gotten everything ready on Arthur's horse and his body was feeling it. He really regretted saying he had enough time to help Gaius reorganize the shelves and books. It took a lot more out of him than he had thought.

He had no time to rest though as the sun was just beginning to lighten the horizon and they were meant to be off on a _wonderful_ day of hunting soon. Was it too late to convince Gaius that he was of more use to the physician than the king?

Merlin couldn't help but snort when he thought that. Of course the older man would never allow him to skimp on his work like that. Anyway, if Arthur left without him he'd never be able to relax thinking of all the things that could befall him.

No, it was better than he go with them, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do. Arthur would be there so it wasn't as if he was going with the knights alone. As long as he stuck by the other man he'd barely have to interact with anyone else.

He hated himself instantly for thinking that. The knights were his friends and there was no reason for him to want to avoid them. At least there wasn't any real reason for him to want to avoid them. It was all in his mind.

When he first started to get to know the knights he hadn't been sure that they'd get along, but he had grown comfortable with the idea of calling them his friends. Something he had known they were comfortable with as well.

Well, that was what he had thought. As much as he cared for the knights he couldn't shake their words from his mind. He couldn't stop himself from flinching if they moved too quickly either. All he seemed able to do was wait for the next strike to come.

It was all ridiculous. The Lamia's attack had been well over a month in the past and everything had gone back to normal. He doubted that there was anyone that was still even thinking about it anymore.

Elyan had been completely healed from what she had done to him while Percy, Gwaine, and Leon were back to acting like their normal selves. Even Gwen had pointed out that she wasn't having nightmares anymore.

The only person that had yet to move on it seemed was Merlin himself. He did try. He tried with all of his might to not think about Leon's harsh words or Percival's rough hands or Gwaine's hate-filled eyes. They kept coming back though. Over and over he saw them. It never stopped.

All he wanted to do was forget that anything happened and go back to being their friend… Or whatever it was he was to them. He couldn't even bring himself to care if they hadn't thought of him as a friend as long as he could stop feeling the way he was.

He hated flinching when they moved too quickly or raised their voices. He hated being awoken at night because the nightmares of them beating and leaving him for dead got to be too much. He hated that no one had noticed anything was even wrong.

Well, that wasn't exactly true. Gwen questioned him and had been since they got back. She was not all that pleased with him not telling anyone that he was hurting. He had even refused to tell Gaius what had truly happened.

That had not been his best idea. The knights had done more than a little damage to him when they were under her spell. Enough damage that he probably should have been on bed rest for at least a few days. He hadn't said a word though.

Which meant that he was healing very slowly and reinjuring himself by doing work he shouldn't be in the first place. Being able to move without feeling as if he couldn't breathe would be a wonderful feeling. It also wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Not until he finally healed.

That wasn't to say that he wasn't taking care of himself. He was doing everything that he could. Or he was doing things he wouldn't get caught doing. Why he thought it was so important to not tell anyone what was going on with him was beyond him, but it was.

All that mattered to him at the moment was getting through his healing without anyone being the wiser. He was still pretty far off from that happening, but if things kept going the way they were nothing bad would happen.

Still, he felt… Honestly he had no idea how he was feeling. All he wanted was for everything to stop. He was done. Except for the fact that it was barely sunrise and he still had a full days hunting ahead of him. Perfect.

"Merlin!" Leon greeted happily walking up to him with his own horse, "Good morning! Ready for the day?"

"Of course," he responded ignoring the urge to complain like he normally did.

"Really? I thought you hated hunting?"

"Right. I… I have to finish getting the horses ready. Excuse me, Sir Leon."

" _Sir Leon_?"

Merlin realized his mistake just as he rushed off to grab- Okay, so there was nothing to grab. He had just wanted to get away from the man before he said something he shouldn't. It seemed as if he hadn't moved fast enough.

He rarely ever called Leon, Gwaine, Percival, or Elyan 'Sir'. Unless they were in the presence of someone that was a higher ranking than the knights than he hadn't seen a point and none of them had told him not to. It had just been him and Leon though. He didn't have to say 'Sir', yet he had.

He felt like hitting himself for being so stupid. Why couldn't he have kept his mouth shut? He had been yelled at enough for that lesson to have sunk in by now. His mouth always got ahead of his brain. Maybe he should work on not speaking. It couldn't hurt anymore than speaking did.

"Merlin," Arthur greeted walking up to him already looking done with the day, "What are you doing?"

"Umm," Merlin tried to start his eyes darting around looking for some answers.

"Never mind. I'm calling the hunt off."

"Why? You've been looking forward to this since you made the plans."

"I'm aware of that, Merlin. Some of us cannot skimp on our responsibilities to go to the tavern whenever we please."

Merlin opened his mouth to argue only to shut it a moment later. Arthur sounded angry enough as it was and he didn't want to put anymore strain on the young king. Anyway, something told him that he wasn't going to like what was about to be said.

"I'll put everything away," Merlin stated dreading how much work he was going to have to undo.

"Actually," Arthur stopped him a smirk coming to his lips, "You and Sir Leon are still going out into the woods."

The servant felt his heart stop at that. He had been doing a very good job of avoiding spending any one on one time with any of the knights. Avoiding them until his emotions blew over was the only plan he had to move on!

"Why?" Merlin questioned not knowing if he wanted to know the answer

"With Morgana and bandits travel is becoming more dangerous by the day," Arthur supplied walking towards the horses, "I would like the knights to have more than basic knowledge of how to keep each other and others alive if something does happen. Having a little knowledge about herbs and plants Gaius uses could save a lot of lives."

"That's… a very good idea."

"Yes, some of us have those. Since Sir Leon trains the knights he's going to need to be the most knowledgeable. That's your job."

A part of Merlin wanted to argue against it, but it was a good idea. The knights had some knowledge, but he had seen too many die of simple things because they had no idea what to do. Learning a bit would help lower that number.

"Sir Leon," Arthur greeted when they got to the man, "Are you ready to learn?"

"Of course, Sire," the older man nodded seriously, "I take it we're not hunting today?"

"No, I told you of my idea having Merlin train you in basic healing?"

"Yes, Sire."

"Good. You and Merlin will be going into the woods for the next four days and nights so he can teach you what he knows. Do you think that's enough time to teach the basics, Merlin?"

"It should be," Merlin answered ignoring the way his stomach twisted.

"Good. Then the two of you are ready. I expect you back the morning of the fifth day. If you're not back by the seventh I will be sending scouts and you better be injured. We do not have time to spare. Do not be late."

Without another word Arthur turned and started inside. All Merlin wanted to do was follow the man and forget anything else but his job. He couldn't just ignore his orders though. Arthur was his king and he had to listen.

"Are you ready, Merlin?" Leon asked already mounting his horse.

"Yes," the man answered swallowing back the dread.

"Anywhere you think would be good?"

"You know the normal routes the knights take."

With a slow nod of his head Leon kicked off riding towards the woods. With one last longing look at the castle Merlin kicked off. He couldn't spend too much time away from the other man. The last thing he wanted to do was make him upset.

Merlin caught up with the man easily and together they rode in silence. If anyone else was there it would be nothing but talking. With Leon though he could get away with not talking at all. Something he was glad for.

Still the longer the silence went on the more he remembered of their time with the Lamia. He had spent all of his life not knowing where he fit in, but when he was in Camelot with Arthur and the knights he had thought he knew. All of that had fallen to pieces.

Everyone continued to say that they hadn't meant what had been said, but they had seemed to know what they said. As if they been thinking about the words, but had never said them aloud. With the way Arthur drug him about they all knew he wasn't going anywhere so what was the point in fighting it and the King?

Merlin knew that there were more than a few people in the court that didn't like him. He had a tendency to speak to Arthur as if he was another person and not a king. The older man needed someone to treat him like that so he'd grow to be the man Albion needed. Not everyone liked that.

It was harder to tell what the knights thought of him. They simply followed Arthur's lead on how to treat him. At least that's what he figured. Maybe he was simply seeing things that weren't there. The Lamia incident had been put in the past and no one would be bringing up anytime soon. He hoped.

"Merlin," Leon said stopping his horse and looking back at him, "You're quiet. Is everything alright?"

Merlin stared at the older man thinking that he saw worry. In a blink it was gone and he was shaking his head and smiling at his own stupidity. There was no chance that Leon was actually worried about him. Leon barely liked him. They were only there because Arthur ordered it.

"We're about to get to an opening I go to when Gaius needs specific herbs," Merlin offered ignoring the knights words.

"Right," Leon replied softly.

Climbing off his horse Merlin lead them to the clearing. He couldn't help the smile from forming on his lips as he looked around the large space. As much as he disliked hunting he loved being outside. He never felt more at peace than when he was surrounded by nature.

"You like it here," Leon stated coming to a stop by him.

"I come here often," Merlin said forcing himself not to move, "There's a lot growing here."

Hoping that he wasn't showing how uncomfortable he was the younger man began to walk to the closest growing herbs already explaining what they were and how they were used. It was such a normal task for him to do that he began to forget how much he didn't want to be there.

"All of that from one herb?" Leon questioned kneeling down to run his fingers over it, "I'm not sure I can remember it all."

"Oh," Merlin licked his lips tucking a sprig in his bag, "I'm sorry. I just..."

"No! No, it's fine. I just hadn't realized how much there was to healing."

"Well, we can stop for now..."

Letting his words trail off Merlin slowly began to back away feeling as if he had done something wrong. Spending so much time with the knight was putting him on edge. He needed to take a moment to breathe.

"Merlin," Leon called wrapping a hand around the servants wrist to stop him before he could get to far, "What is going on with you?"

"Nothing, Sir Leon," Merlin answered stopping completely.

"That's the second time you've called me ' _Sir Leon_ ' today. Something is wrong."

Instead of saying anything the younger man looked at the ground. He could tell that the man was upset and the last thing he wanted to do was make that worse. He should have convinced Arthur that all of this was unnecessary.

"Merlin," Leon sighed dropping his hand and letting him go, "Please. What's wrong?"

"Leon," the man tried shaking his head.

"I'm your friend. If you tell me than maybe I can help. If you let me."

"Are you?"

"What?"

Shaking his head Merlin continued his track to the horses. He had already said more than he ever wanted to. He knew that it wasn't smart to bring up what he was thinking. Some things were better off being ignored. Something he had been doing a lot since moving to Camelot.

"Merlin," Leon tried again following him, "Tell me what you meant."

"Please," the younger man muttered not looking back, "Leave it alone."

"No. You've been odd for awhile. Now you're calling me ' _Sir Leon_ ' and questioning our friendship."

Letting out a shaky breath Merlin tried his best to stay in control of himself but his emotions were winning. Every part of him wanted to start to run and get anywhere safe. It was sad that the man no longer brought safety to his mind when he thought of him.

"Merlin," Leon started once more.

"Stop!" Merlin yelled spinning around to face the other man, "Please, leave it be."

"You are my friend and you're hurting. I just..."

"I never thought you so cruel."

"Cruel? I… I just want to help my friend."

"Why do you keep saying that?!"

"Because you are my friend, Merlin. You are-"

"Shut up."

"I cannot. Not when it's obviously hurting you. Please Merlin, tell me what is wrong."

"I'm not stupid. I know my place."

"Your place? I don't… Wait- Is this about what happened during the Lamia's spell?"

Looking away Merlin felt his face heat up. Hearing the knight say those words out loud just reminded him of the whole thing was. Why couldn't he have been like everybody else and move on? It would have been better.

"Merlin?" Leon sighed shaking his head, "Why didn't you say anything before?"

"It's ridiculous," he replied softly.

"No, it is not. Merlin, do you truly think any of us have stopped thinking of what happened?"

It took a moment for the mans words to sink in, but once they did he couldn't help but start to feel hopeful. Looking up he took Leon in and saw the sadness in his eyes. He meant what he was saying?

"After we got back to Camelot Elyan, Percival, Gwaine, and myself were concerned to say the least," Leon continued carding a hand through his hair, "We all thought you and Gwen would never forgive us. That we had destroyed our friendship. We all wanted so badly to find a way for you both of forgive us."

"You never..." Merlin tried his voice trailing off.

"The two of you acted as if nothing had happened. We thought you wanted to forget it. So we did the same."

Leon looked so lost in that moment and for some reason that just made him feel worse. The last thing that the man should look like was lost. He was Leon. 'Lost' and 'Leon' did not fit in the same thought together.

"I'm sorry," Merlin sighed stepping closer without a thought, "I didn't mean to… I've been trying to put it in the past, but I... I cannot stop hearing, feeling-"

"Don't do that to yourself," Leon practically growled out stepping closer as well, "Do not down play what happened to you. What we did… We are the Knights of Camelot and we have a code to uphold. It was our duty to keep you and Gwen safe and we failed. More so we are your friends and you had put your trust in us, in me. For that I will never be able to forgive myself for what I have done to you."

There was so much power in the knights voice that Merlin couldn't help but watch him. He looked everything like the person that he had come to respect as not just a knight but a man. This was who he knew.

Huffing out a laugh Merlin couldn't help but shake his head. He had been wrong all along. The Lamia hadn't just made the knights forget who they truly were, but it made him forget who they were as well.

The man that had struck him down during the spell was not the man that Leon was. He could never be that man. He believed too much in the code. If Merlin was honest, the man before him was the code. He was unshakable in his loyalty and his love.

"You… are smiling?" Leon questioned confused, "Why are you smiling?"

"I just remembered who you are," Merlin explained calmly feeling lighter than he had in weeks, "The Lamia's spell took that from me. She twisted the man who you are and I got lost in that image. For that I am sorry."

"And now? You know who I am?"

"You are Sir Leon. The second in command to King Arthur. You'd lay down your life without a second thought. You are loyal to a fault and as long as there is air in your lungs and a sword in your hand Camelot and her people will be safe.. And you are my friend even though I am no more than a servant."

"Merlin, the last thing you are is just a servant. No one who knew you would ever make that mistake."


End file.
